Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Some of the Most Irrelevant Moments...

By: Mike McCarthy
Doug Mirabelli eating Chicken Parm, getting police escorts, or going deep
Doug Mirabelli is the hero of the post 2003 college kid red sox scene, i.e. the mortal enemy of anybody who takes the orange line to fenway or thought Bob Zupcic was a good prospect because he was white and in Pawtucket. Doug Mirabelli jokes are the equivalent to guys who go to bars and quote “Jaggerbombs” from My Shitty Haircut or whatever youtube video everyone is quoting at the beer pong table these days that ruined comedy as we know it.

Drew Bledsoe and Max Lane stage diving at the Paradise to Everclear

Who i
n the name of God stagedives at an Everclear concert? Does that band even have guitars? Only Drew Bledsoe could up his “bad boy” credentials by acting up at a surf rock concert after splitting a 6 pack with his left guard. According to Wikipedia Max Lane named one his kids Alexis, who I believe is the name of Everclear guy

Bob Ryan threatening to smack TJ and Joumana Kidd

Look at this kids head! Get this kid on MTV after Aeon Flux and the Maxx

Zeke Mowatt showing his Ding-Dong to Lisa Ogden

Bonus points because Zeke looks like Tracy Morgan on steroids, and this was the only significant thing to happen to a team that went 1-15 and caused my mild mannered father to spout out “turn this shit off” by the second quarter 16 different times in 1991

The 1996 NHL all star game in Boston

Does anybody have any recollection of this thing even happening? Have you ever seen any piece of memorabilia signifying this actually in deed even took place? Did Ray Bourque win the accuracy competition? According to Wikipedia Ray Bourque won this game with a goal in the third period. Shouldn’t something like this have been a big deal around here? The only remnant of this event I’ve seen is Sully’s Tap hanging Bourque’s All Star jersey over the bar next to the bartender who drinks there on his off days and mean mugs everybody.

Fox Trax

This technically isn’t a Boston oddity, more of an NHL oddity, but why doesn’t anybody talk about laser beam slapsots and glowing pucks anymore? I remember the Fleetcenter was known to be the firs
t to use the technology which tried to lure casual fans by using Super Nintendo graphics. Youd be sitting there, eating a Gobler from the Montclair Deli watching a great game between the Bruins and the Nordiques and Al Iafrate would take one of his patented slappers from the blue line and then out of nowhere youd see a huge red magic marker line instead of a shot leaving the viewer no idea whether the shot scored a goal, killed Rene Rancourt, or went into the stands. This pile of garbage would be the equivalent of NBA Jam taking over NBA programming and showing Dee Brown on a breakaway jump to the ceiling or explode into flames after shooting a 3. Foxtrax and Scooter the Baseball are two of the most mind numbing things that have happened in the world the last 2 decades in my opinion.

Scottie Pippen signs with the Celtics before 1997 NBA Draft

You forgot about this didn’t you? Pitino had signed on, the Celts (proud owner of a 15-67 the year before) controlled the ping
pong balls to get Tim Duncan to go with young stud Antoine Walker, and looked like one veteran player away from being legit contenders. So then Scottie Pippen, runner up to George Muresan to the all-ugly team MVP, starts telling his agent that he’s coming to Boston to show he can win a championship without Jordan. Pippen at the time was criminally underpaid for being as good of a player as he was so the Bulls could afford to pay Jordan the GDP of Uraguay. Reports start surfacing in Boston that Pippen is in the bag and Michael Jordan is thinking about possibly playing here too. The Boston internet of 1997 must have been littered with Angelfire and Geocity sites dedicated to banner 17 coming to Boston. Of course the deals fell through, we lost out on Duncan, and the Marty Conlon era came to a bitter end. Speaking of which…
Ron Mercer

Lets go over what ev
eryone knows about Ron Mercer. He’s black, good player at Kentucky, was drafted 6th by the Celtics in 1997 Draft. Other than that can anybody state even one casual fact about this guy? From what I remember he was a decent scorer who did little else. There are absolutely no opinions about this guy. You bring up Dominique Wilkins, Dino Radja, or Acie Earl and people start laughing. You bring up Chauncy Billips and people say Pitino got rid of him too soon. With Antoine you say he wasted a lot of his potential. Ron Mercer might just go down in history as the most boring player in Boston Celtic history. He wasn’t the worst player, he wasn’t the best. Wasn’t a bad team player, didn’t get into trouble at the nightclubs, and didn’t do celebrity bowling tournaments. Apparently this was just a guy who showed up at the Fleetcenter at 7:00 PM 3 times a week, scored 15 points, and then went to High-Fi for a slice. Do a google search on this guy and all you will find is stats. No Angelfire pages, archived articles, or commentary. I guarantee this blog will make it into his top 100 google search within a week. What a guy

Robert Edwards breaking his ACL/SAT/Charles MGH/MBTA playing football during the Pro Bowl
Probably the only note worthy event ever to happen during the pro bowl. Young guy, coming off a 1000 yard rushing season, slips on a banana peel on the beach in Hawaii that the Metropolitan District Commision didn’t pick up with a litter stick and basically ends his career. I think we need to help the guy out, from here on out ever single year I will be hosting a pro bowl party at my apartment. People will gamble on things like what direction the QB will throw the ball in, and how many Powerman 5000 albums the white offensive lineman own. This completely irrelevant event will become the party of the winter every year

Mike Greenwell fighting Randy Johnson during Spring Training

The story begins during the summer of 1993, when a young flame throwing Randy Johnson comes to Fenway Park to play competitive baseball for monetary compensation against the local baseball team “The Boston Red Sox”. Mike Greenwell, a mini golf course owner/alligator wrestler with a beautiful swing has a hell of day against the young lefty, getting 4 hits and giving a good natured ribbing to the up and coming star from the dugout when he was pinch run for. Fast forward to Spring Training 1994 when Greenwell steps to the plate against Johnson for the first time since their encounter a year earlier. First pitch misses the Gator’s head by an inch and Greenwell proceeds to charge the mound and beat the ever living hell out of the 6’10 behemoth who would later star in Little Big League and Cy Young Award news conferences. Since this took place in Spring Training, the teams all star representative was Scott Cooper, and Bob Kurtz was announcing everyone forgets about this monumental incident. But believe me in the Tree Rollings vs. Danny Ainge / Ralph Sampson vs.Jerry Sichting / Terry O Reilly vs. Clark Gillis giant vs. little guy fight moments in Boston Sports history, this one tops them all.

      Bob Rodgers getting fired from NESN sports desk to coach Silver Lake

Bob Rodgers, a local tub of guts from the South Shore, had what most people in this area consider a dream job, covering Boston sports for the local sports superstation NESN. Bob greeted sports fan every morning in the mid 90s sporting a fresh new suit from the Dedham outlets, a forehead that resembled a drive in movie theatre, and a stomach toned from Feast of the Saints in the North End. But what Bob lacked in the looks department, he made up for with his gregarious personality and playful banter with his revolving door of female cohosts. Although Sportsdesk was a sports show, nothing was off limits to good ol Bob. Bob would comment on his dismay over the rainy weather, the lovely new sweater his cohost was wearing, and often be seen laughing over one of his patented knee slappers when the camera faded to commercial. Now we would say Bob has the life right? So what does Bob do but start blowing off assignments to spend more time coaching Varsity athletics at Silver Lake High School, a south shore breeding ground for prom night rapists and 28 year olds doing keg stands with white hats on. So finally the higher ups at NESN decide “This silly goose can’t make a commitment, we’re gonna have to let him go.” So Bob gets fired and NESN moves forward, providing quality entertainment like Kid N Play tell standup comedy talking about Tom Brady having a Baby Momma and red headed cab drivers yelling at his customers
September 18th 1993, Yankee Fan defeats Red Sox

1993 was not a good time for the Red Sox or Yankee fans. Red Sox fans were forced to watch a diminutive Spanish man nicknamed “El Gato” squat behind the plate and hit .150 over the course of 400 at bats. Yankee fans were forced to cheer for a 1 armed man and star of the Fugitive Jim Abbott celebrate a no-hitter when all they wanted to do was laugh at his disfigurement. Yes times were bleak. But a mid Septemeber game between the old rivals at least promised to get the old blood flowing again. The Red Sox appeared to have the game well in hand, leading 3-1 at Yankee Stadium with 2 outs in the 9th inning. Mike Stanley comes to the plate and proceeds to fly out to Mike Greenwell in left field for the final out of the game. However, while the Gator is catching the ball some carpet layer who took the Van Wyk to the game comes out of the barrels of hell in the left field seats and runs onto the field. The man is quickly subdued but the umpires call the play dead, allowing Stanley to bat again. Well of course Stanley singles which leads to an 86 World Series rally which culminates with Don Mattingly getting the game winning hit. Oh yeah and Reggie Lewis died about a month before, fantastic time to be a Boston sports fan.

Patriots draft Eugene Chung

Things were bleak for the Patriots in the early 90s. They are coming off multiple losing seasons, have Hugh Millen as a quarterback, and have only made national media headlines since the 86 Super Bowl for having a chemically imbalanced tight end show his prick to a Herald reporter. Fast Forward to the 1992 NFL draft where the Patriots have an opportunity to upgrade positions of weakness on their roster which included all 55 positions. New Coach Dick McPherson, not to be confused with the porn star from Savin Hill, realizes his most important decision is whom to select with the teams only 1st round draft pick, the 13th overall. So who does he select, a southern gunslinger to play quarterback? An outside linebacker who made quarterbacks tremble with fear? No coach Mac decides to take some gigantic Mongolian of a man who looks like he should be eating sherpas in the Himalaya Mountains instead. Eugene Chung, Eugene to his friends, became the man chosen to save the moribund franchise and nurse it back to health. Amongst Chung’s vast array of talents were preparing Skatwan Chicken on the Wok, Origami decorations, and using his hundred hand slap and flying missle to combat Ken, Ryu, and Blanka. None of these skills however translated to the football field and Chungs career was over within 2 years where quit football to become fellow country mate’s Hideki Irabu’s nutritional advisor.

1 comment:

  1. I was at that Sox/yankees game!! It was a bus trip filled with yankee fans from Western Mass and my first Sox/yankees game. I remember reading about this new prospect named Trot Nixon in the Red Sox yearbook on the drive there. For some reason I always remembered it being Boggs that flied out, not Stanley though. Other notable occurrences during that game:
    - Butch Hobson somehow argued balls and strikes and got the call reversed instead of getting tossed. I've never seen that happen any other time.
    - Rob Deer sucked